"The Theory Of Relativity" (1994)

Wr/Prod/Dir : Patrick Collins

Stars : Danyel Cheeks, Joey Silvera, Jasper, Yvonne, Mark Davies, Nici Sterling (Credits : Nicyteen), Anjelica, Edwin Bush, (possibly) Roscoe Bowltree's penis.

ELEGANT ANGEL PRODUCTIONS.

The first part in Patrick Collins' two part epic saga (continued in "Everything is not relative") about incest in an upscale family. I say "incest" but strictly speaking this is not the case as, despite the fact that on the box cover it states that Danyel is Joey's biological daughter, he states at the beginning of the film that she is actually adopted. This means that Patrick can wimp out on the "Incest" angle, therefore knocking the film down a grade or two before it even begins. But anyway...

We open with a remarkably classy blues number as the opening theme, courtesy of those lovely folks at Glenlyn Music. Now we cut to Joey Silvera sitting in a dark room with a flashlight shining in his face. Joey, it seems, plays "George", the head of a rich family who live in L.A. in a big house. He introduces the characters in the cast by talking to his psychiatrist and telling the tale in flashback. He tells us (quite convincingly) that Danyel is his adopted daughter and has been for some time, Yvonne is his wife (for two years), Jasper is her daughter and Mark Davies is the man that Yvonne is having an affair with. Joey also tells us that he has fallen in love with Danyel and wants to divorce Yvonne in order to get to her. Of course, to do this, he will first have to tell her that she's adopted, which could be quite a difficult task. That's the initial premise of the film, and quite a good one it is too. Now we start to go into flashback...

Jasper is out walking the dogs one morning while Joey is searching her room for something. He looks inside her underwear drawer, takes out her panties and starts sniffing them with a look of both pleasure and pain on his face. This is quite convincing as I can well imagine Joey to be the "panty-sniffer" type in real life. Underneath the panties he finds some naughty polaroids of Jasper masturbating, so he takes them out and masturbates over them, there and then in her room. Meanwhile, Jasper is returning to the house... She parks the dogs outside, takes off her shoes, rubs her feet (remember who's directing this film?), and eventually enters the house. Joey hears her come in, so he puts away the polaroids into his pocket and rushes downstairs to meet Jasper, who likes to call him "Daddy" despite his objections. She's very bubbly and perky and acts like a 12 year old around Joey as she tells him that she's going to put her shoes away "like a good little girl"! After this, she goes upstairs for a shower. This is quite an erotic sequence in itself really, not because Jasper is attractive (she's way too large) but because we've now had a detailed introduction into the characters and it seems as if we are looking into their lives as though they are people we know, and of course it's much more erotic to watch someone whom we may well be attracted to in real life take a shower than it is to watch some porno bimbo. But anyway, she takes the shower, gets out and paints her toe-nails (in close-up of course) talking all the while about how Joey will be so happy that her toe-nails are the same colour as her finger-nails (I think Patrick went a bit overboard with Jasper's character's love for Joey)! Following this, she decides to masturbate, talking about Joey the whole time. Not a bad sequence.

This is intercut with shots of Yvonne and Danyel at work. They both work for Mark Davies. Yvonne leaves after talking a bit of business and Danyel tells Mark that she knows he's sleeping with her stepmother. Mark looks surprised at this revelation. He looks even more surprised, however when she starts to suck his dick! Again, a fairly erotic sequence, despite the fact that I'm not a fan of BJ scenes, but Danyel is talking dirty all the while and somehow this turned into a hot sequence even though it only lasts about 2 minutes and she zips him up with no cum shot. Strange..

Anyhow, we now move back to Joey's house, where he is sitting in his bedroom jerkin' his gherkin over the photos of Jasper. Jasper has now found out that her polaroids have gone so she walks into Joey's room and seduces him. So, after a 30 minute introduction, we now get to the first sex scene. In all truth, the build-up to it was way more erotic than the sequence itself, but it's still quite hot. They go through all the regular positions ("mish", doggie, oral) but the interesting thing is the way that they both keep in character throughout the scene and speak much of the dialogue while having sex. As I said before, Jasper is not all that pretty so for a scene with a less attractive girl it's quite erotic. Anyway, the cum shot is on her tits following a bit of titty-fucking from Joey.

Next we cut back to Mark's office, where Yvonne enters and talks a bit of business. I think they work for a lingerie firm or something and Danyel is one of the models? I can't recall. But anyway, they're going to London and taking Danyel with them. She's fairly happy as her fiancee' Mario (whom we don't see) lives there. Mark tells his secretary to hold all his calls, Danyel leaves and Mark and Yvonne screw. Yawn. It was okay seeing Racquel Darrian screw her boyfriend Derrick Lane over and over again because at least she was attractive, but seeing Yvonne and Mark Davies go through the same dull motions again and again gets boring. She really isn't all that attractive. To be fair, though, if you haven't seen these two before and you do think Yvonne looks quite nice then you will probably like this scene. They both seem fairly into it, and there is an interesting anal towards the end, where Mark just pokes the head of his penis into her butt and then pulls it out again quickly, over and over again, therefore giving fans of anal penetration something to rejoyce over. The cum shot is a direct hit on her open asshole. It sort of drips out a bit, so Mark wipes it off with her panties.

Cut to Danyel returning home (wearing a very nice Catholic schoolgirl skirt with leather jacket) only to find that Jasper and Joey have gone to "Cousin Bob's" for tea. She doesn't like all the time that Joey's been spending with Jasper recently because she knows what they're really up to. Thus she hatches a plan for revenge.... She phones up Yvonne to say how excited she is because she's just finished her new painting (She's a painter? I thought she was a model? Weird...) and how she needs Yvonne to come see it, quickly. So Yvonne packs up work and rushes home to see the painting. Danyel unveils it and it turns out to be some kind of sapphic love scene. Yvonne looks shocked at first, but then decides that it's quite "erotic". Danyel starts fondling Yvonne and says that she's always been attracted to her. So it's no surprise when they break into a g/g scene. This has some nice moments (like Yvonne saying "no! no! this is wrong!") and works quite well, despite the fact that I don't like Yvonne very much. Danyel's okay, mind, despite the horrible large tits. I can't recall but I don't think they use any of the Doc Johnson toys that usually are mandatory with g/g scenes, so that's a plus in my book. Eventually, after a fairly hot sequence, they collapse into each other's arms.

And so ends the first half of the film. Okay so far? Yep, it's going pretty good. I was getting into the plot, the sex was above average (even the Yvonne/Mark Davies scene was better than they usually do) and the acting was all of a fairly high standard (esp. Joey). How could it go wrong from here? Well, it's an Elegant Angel film. That means they have to either go to Brazil, Hungary or in this case London...

Joey finds out that Danyel has gone to London with Mark and Yvonne and is not all that happy (She didn't tell him where she was going). She 'phones him up from London and asks him to come over and see her and after a bit of begging, he agrees. For reasons not explained at all by Patrick, he hires a prostitute played by Anjelica (butt-ugly British brunette). One quick point. Joey's still in L.A. but he hires a British prostitute. Wouldn't this have been more effective in the UK sequences? Anyway, this is the worst scene in the movie and I watched most of it on FFwd. It just didn't do anything for me. Interestingly, throughout this scene, Danyel hides in the closet giving a BJ to an unknown penis, which looks like Roscoe Bowltree and being as Patrick has a tendency to be self-indulgent I'd say that it IS Roscoe Bowltree. Joey anals Anjelica and eventually cums in her open asshole (this is gross, BTW) and Roscoe shoots his wad over Danyel's face, which could have worked but Danyel is wearing white-face paint (Dunno why, but Patrick put some emphasis on this odd symbolism throughout the whole film) and it looks a bit pathetic, white on white and all....

Cut to London. Yaaawwwwn. We get a bit of sight-seeing from Patrick's camera (all still photos in succession) and see shots of Danyel walking around in a red, white & blue USA jacket (a bit silly). This is dull for me, as I'm English and I've seen it all before... But anyway, it's time for Danyel to visit the mysterious Mario, her fiancee'. She walks down the road and towards his house, where his nephew and wife (Edwin Bush (wimpy British teenager) and Nici Sterling) are residing. To add some more "incest" (cough!) to it, Patrick stupidly has Nici and Edwin go through some stupid (and VERY badly delivered) exchange of dialogue about how it's a good job they're not really related by blood because that would make the "things they do" perverse. Edwin can't even keep a straight face throughout this scene and it really looks bad... Danyel knocks on the door and enters, looking for Mario. They say he's not here (he's in Italy) but for some reason Danyel stays. Her and Nici get into an argument when Nici calls her a "salesgirl" (ooh! getting nasty now, aren't we?) and then they confess to both seeing Mario at the same time. Danyel's pissed off that he's married and Nici's pissed off that he's having an affair... The solution? Three way fuck of course!!! So, Nici, Danyel and Edwin screw in the living room. As you probably know (if you've been reading asm recently) I'm not exactly a fan of Nici Sterling, so her presence here does nothing for me. Thankfully we don't see much of Edwin, and overall the first half of this scene is very boring. However, just to wrap things up with a bang, Patrick livens thing up with an unbelievable REVERSE ANAL COWGIRL (!!!) on Danyel. Who came up with the position of Reverse anal cowgirl? They really do deserve a medal. This is a great bit of screwing, the sort of thing we're used to from Patrick Collins, and it goes on for quite a while and can't really be too nice for Danyel, although she does make it seem as if she's enjoying it very well. Eventually he shoots his load into mid-air and then does a bit of anal re-insertion to finish with! Craaazy.

To conclude, Joey tells us that he didn't go to London in the end. He decided to go to (Let's all groan together) Brazil. Apparently, Danyel's real mother lives there and wanted to see him (yeah, yeah), but really it's just an excuse for Mr Collins to take yet another vacation in Rio... Luckily he saved all the Brazil footage for the second part ("Everything is not relative") which I might review some time, if I get the chance....

Anyhow, overall I'd say that this is a mixed bag. The first half of it is pretty good (plot and sex-wise) but the second half's a hootin' stinkeroo (except the RAC on Danyel). So, taking all this into account, I'll score it lower than I probably should have and give it a 2.90 on the Imperial Scale. You can up that score by a fair proportion if you want to compare it to Patrick's latest feature "The Bottom Dweller 33 1/3" mind you...

Happy viewing!