Subject: Review: Never Say Never
From: [email protected] (Peter van Aarle)
Date: Fri, 28 Apr 1995 07:29:53 +0200

Ok, it's review time again :-)
Since I recently saw some movies which were worthy of review I'm going to
do my duty again...

Never Say Never (the Adventures of Barbara Bond) 
         (Sin City 1994, dir: Harold Lime + Jane Waters)

cast:    Kylie Ireland, Sharon Kane, PJ Sparx, Sahara Sands,
         Tom Byron, Peter North, Jon Dough, Jonathon Morgan

Apparently someone got the idea it was time for another batch of James Bond
take-offs. Since it's been nearly 10 years since the last series (which
featured various actresses as Jane Bond) so they decided this time it's
Jane's little sister Barbara Bond's turn...

Barbara (Kylie Ireland) goes to the office of Control (Jonathon Morgan) and
is told that the Sadam Syndicate has been capturing young girls. It will be
Barbara's task to get kidnapped by them, and to find out what their plan
is. But before she goes she has to take along a secret transmitter, and
Control urges her to conceal it well. Naturally she decides her pussy would
be a good place, and she asks Control if he'd mind inserting it. However,
before he does this she gets him to suck and fuck her pussy first.  
And he also tells her that they have a mole in the Syndicate with the
codename of Sahara...

Next thing we see is Barbara Bond being taken from the trunk of a Merc and
shackled to a bed in the mansion of the leader of the Sadam Syndicate: Dr.
Never (Jon Dough).
In the meantime Dr. Never's sister, Sharon Kane, is passing the time with
two of their arabian henchmen, Tom Byron and Peter North. Well what else is
there to do for a bunch of horny arch-villains that fuck their brains out?

Then Dr. Never wants to check if their last kidnapped girl has been
indoctrinated and brainwashed completely. So on comes PJ Sparx (looking
mighty fine again) and I would say her indoctrination worked very well,
because she acts like a perfect little sex slave in this nice scene (too
bad facial cumshots aren't part of the indoctrination ;-)

So the evil Dr. decides his girls are ready, and they start their heinous
plan in motion. The plan is to get the 25 girls into the audiences of all
the major talkshows (Letterman, Leno, Geraldo, Montel Williams, Oprah,
etc.) in the US and have them assassinate the host live on the air. The
resulting withdrawal symptoms will bring the whole of the US into his
power...
Then there is just this one loose end to tie up, and he orders Sharon to
submit Barbara to the "Lovemachine". This turns out to be a fucking-machine
with 2 dildos attached. Just as Sharon is about to start the thing the two
Arabic morons decide they won't allow Sharon to have Barbara all to
herself, so they overpower Sharon and tie her to the "Lovemachine". Barbara
goes in search of Dr. Never but instead bumps into Sahara Sands who
obviously is the mole. Since they need to wait a few hours they decide to
kill the time with some g/g shenanigans...

After this satisfying experience they decide to split up to find the evil
doctor.
Barbara is soon captured under a falling net and just as the Dr. decides he
will fuck her before killing her Sahara comes in (called their by the
hidden transmitter) and tells the Dr.: "why settle for her scrawny bod when
you can have me". When she adds that she love backdoor action Jon readily
agrees with her and they get busy.
This diversion was enough for Barbara to get out of the net and she awakes
the sated Dr. Never with a sharp knife between his legs. The threat of the
knife is enough for Jon to spill the names of all the shows he has sent
girls too, and another successful case for Barbara ends...

Well, I liked this movie. The scenes are mostly well shot, the girls are
good looking (Kylie shouldn't have gone for the boob job since there was no
need) and seem enthusiastic in their scenes. Amazing to realize that Sharon
Kane still looks this good after some 16 years in the business...
It's not gonna be a classic, but an above average effort fro this day and
age.
Finally the rating: a parabola and two circles (according to our new rating
system introduced by Ron ;-)  
Actually, I always hate giving numerical ratings because the scale is so
flexible (it even depends on what I saw before this movie: if that was
great, the rating will be lower than it should be) but something like 3.0
(out of the Imperial 4)

Peter van Aarle ([email protected])