The Director Reviews... Where the Boys Aren't 7

Vivid, 1995
Directed by Ernest Greene

max volume, press N now... ;-)

Cast:

Janine, Christy Canyon, Asia Carrera, Julia Ann, Dyanna Lauren, Jenna Jameson

Synopsis:

The action centers around the people who populate an allgirl bar.

Scene Breakdown:

Under the opening credits, Dyanna Lauren sings a slow bluesy number to a prerecorded track, while Asia mimes playing a piano. Asia later plays the piano (noodles, actually) which sounds rather different than it did when it accompanied Dyanna...

Dyanna Lauren/Asia Carrera

Some philosophy: Dyanna asks "Can you help me with this?"; Asia responds: "I thought you'd never ask" and she slips Dyanna's dress off.. then we smash cut to Asia sucking on Dyanna's tit.

Why must they cut out the foreplay talk?

Standard moaning and groaning. Asia goes down on Dyanna's pussy for awhile. She's one of the rare porn gals that actually eats pussy, doesn't just flick her tongue around down there...

Asia (real tits) sits on Dyanna's (ludicrous tits) face. Dyanna manages to work her tongue up there too... We could use more full body shots.

Dyanna sits on Asia's face. Dyanna has some stupid looking tattoo where her public hair should be. Neither girl looks real wet. In fact, they look pretty dry.

Some masturbation with a small vibrator. Then Dyanna gets a black dildo shoved up her ass. She has ass way high in the air which makes her tits hang funny.

Janine/Jenna Jameson

Howard Stern fans, wake up! Howard's two favorite porn chicks are together at last! Jenna is the new girl in town, Janine the seasoned bartender.

A tease that doesn't go on long enough. Janine hovers around Jenna's minimal bush without licking it, sticking her tongue out and stuff, but then goes in for the kill. Would have been sexier if she teased around a bit longer, and maybe asked Jenna to beg for it. Instead, they just leap in to the sex.

For as grindingly sensual as the music is, the scene never quite matches it. The music cries "New Jersey lap dance" which is clothed and close and an incredible tease. Sometimes sexy is better than sex.

Janine eats Jenna (and gets a cute yelp from her) but most of Jenna's histrionics seem fake. Janine bits on her lips and really gets buried in Jenna's quim. (In an allgirl review, you gotta get creative with vaginal synonyms :-)

Janine stands to let Jenna eat her (is there a worse angle to get non-cable footage?) Janine gets both a finger from jenna and one from herself in her as she grunts and groans. The scene just sorta ends after that with Jenna saying "I can't believe I just did that!" with the snappy response "Welcome to the big city!"

Julia Ann/Christy Canyon/Dyanna Lauren

Christy is VP of A&R of a record label, and Julia Ann is her assistant. Under the credits, she gave Asia her card and told her to call in the AM. It's not the AM and Dyanna shows up, willing to dump Asia for the sake of her career... then in a stunningly obtuse move, Dyanna picks a pair of scissors up off the desk and cuts the dress of herself and beckons the girls to join her on the couch... one of the few times a gal has thrown herself on the casting couch. Nice (though shallow) turn of events as Christy and Julia play the typical Joey Silvera/Randy West "We're gonna get laid!" antics for all their worth.

Julia is on Dyanna, sucking her tits while Christy eats Julia. Next Julia sits on Dyanna's face as Christy eats Dyanna. The gals then go to work on Christy, with Dyanna taking the tits and Julia the twat. Flip Dyanna into a 69 with Christy as Julia eats Dyanna's ass...

Christy dons a strap-on (which she happens to have lying around the office???) and fucks Julia Ann while she (JA) eats Dyanna. The scene just ends...

Janine/Asia Carrera

Ernest Greene goes back to his fetish roots for this one, bringing out riding crops, leather and chain bikinis, chrome dog collars and the like. We get a minute or two of the tease, and then we're right back in to the sex. Especially in the little dom/sub fantasies, it'd be nice if we didn't have to always *rush* into the sex... There's some spanking throughout.

It's a nice enough scene... and both gals look good... but I found myself flipping back and forth between Stern's E! show and the VCR.

Christy/Jenna/Asia/Janine/Dyanna/Julia Ann

Hail hail the gang's all here... Jenna looks horrible; her makeup guy should be hurt. We open on sex occurring, so all hopes of some foreplay are lost. Jenna too rapidly gets all worked up and starts the fake moaning which Christy eats her out.

There's too much going on for a full description (plus it's getting late), so suffice it to say that there was precious little heat. Lots of tongues and fingers and tits and moans, but little heat or sensuality.

We do get a daisy chain of Dyanna -> Asia -> Janine -> Jenna -> Christy -> Julia Ann -> Dyanna and then come the toys (sorry Frans)...

Shorter takes: Jenna licks Janine's bunghole while dildoing her; Christy and Julia Ann give head to a pick plastic cock; Janine gets the dildo up her ass; all collapse in a heap of chyx.

The Behind the Scenes section...

We see the script get flipped through. Here's the description of the opening scene:

     INT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT

     An old-movie-type smokey [sic] piano bar, except that all
     the customers and employees are elegantly-dressed women. 
     All are mesmerized by DYANNA, a sultry torch singer in a
     red dress who works the room as she wraps herself around
     the final verse of a blues classic.  Starting at the
     piano where she addresses a couple of lines directly to
     her accompanist JASMINE, she slings over to the bar where
     JANINE, the proprietor, pours a drink for JENNA, a new
     customer in whom she has an interest.  Without missing a
     beat, Dyanna spears a cherry from the bar and drops it
     into Jenna's glass.  Then its on to a small table near
     the piano to bewitch CHRISTY and DENISE, a couple of
     record company executives.  Art the conclusion ... Dyanna
     gets a terrific round of applause.

Some questions, since everyone in the movie used their real names, who are JASMINE and DENISE that Asia and Julia Ann took the place of?

Asia plays the piano (for real this time, rather well, too, I guess... she knows the piece she's playing -- I am no judge of piano playing -- that guy that they based Shine on seemed to play pretty well though most of the critics say he sucks, so who am I to say? She sounded OK to me)

"I know the passion and fire was there for me!" -- Janine before they show a clip of her and Asia. Then she says that Christy gave her a few orgasms, but they must have left it out of the tape because the most I saw was Christy sucking her tit occasionally...

Christy says it "very fun! It's been 2 years since I made a video.. thought I lost the old touch there for a while, but its like riding a bicycle..."

A lot of "hurry up and wait" while they try and find some scissors that will cut Dyanna's dress.

Marc Wallice asks "It's done... How do you feel?" "Horny!" yells Julia Ann. One would have hoped she's have worked that horniness off on camera... guess not.

Well, I think is a prime example of something that could have been. The opening scene called for "an old-movie-type smokey [sic] piano bar" and didn't get it. Instead it got what we used to call in TV 101 "supermarket lighting" -- flat lighting with no character whatsoever. There was no smoke, anywhere, and I think that it the overriding theme here -- no smoke, no heat, no fire, no thanks.

RATING

For curiosity seekers only and those completists who must have every chapter of WTBA. On the Imperial scale, it gets a 2.15