The Director Reviews... Two by Pachard

These reviews are Copyright 1994-5 by Director, and are made available as a service to the Internet community. They may not be sold in any medium, including electronic, CD-ROM, or database, packaged with any commercial product, or published in print, without the explicit, written permission of Director.

I'm taking a break from my normal play by play, scene-by-scene reviewing style and moving to a more thematic, perceptual style reminiscent of our good buddy Imperator.

I had my wife by my side to show her what porn was capable of, in the days before video.

Taboo, American Style, Part I

The evening started off with Taboo, American Style, Part I. This was an ambitious effort from Pachard in 1985. A four part miniseries dealing the evil machinations of one Nine Sutherland, played by a very young Raven. Her dad, Harding (Paul Thomas) and Mom (Gloria Leonard) round out her family with a 16 year old (it seemed) Tom Byron playing her brother, aptly named, Tom.

The Sutherlands are a well-to-do family, we're told. Harding is a successful financial analyst, and Mom is very concerned about appearances... and about the gardener, Mr. Chernaske (R Bolla)

The film is heavy on plot and light on sex. It opens with R Bolla enjoying Gloria Leonard.. however, Gloria does not seem to be alive at all... couple this with some HORRID audio looping and dubbing, and you have the beginning of a lukewarm film.

The plot, which stretches over four (FOUR!) tapes begins innocently enough. Prudish Mom doesn't want young Tom to gout with gutter trash like Lisa Chernaske (Taija Rae). So instead, Nina invites Lisa over, and after while the parents are getting busy, leads her into Tom's room.

The Paul Thomas/Gloria Leonard coupling is lukewarm, and in the end frustrating as she rolls over and goes to sleep, leaving PT with a woody and a frown. However, sex scene of the movie goes to Taija and Tom who have a spirited romp marred only by some bad audio dubbing.

After the Tom/Taija tryst, Nina gives a terribly stilted textbook masturbation lesson to Lisa. "First, you rub the clitoris... the clitoris is the small penis like thing between your pussy lips..." Zzzzzz.

Lisa tells Nina about her mother's indiscretions with the gardener, her father. Nina calls Dad home, who walks in on Mom and Mr. Chernaske.

"There will be no divorce" Dad states to a shaken family. Nina quietly revels in her mothers downfall and Tom just looks sullen, probably happy that he's going to Brown in the fall.

Dad grows increasingly despondent until Nina walk in on him in the tub. He sits, bottle in hand, getting sauced... watching as his daughter starts kissing him with too much familiarity and eventually blows him. The scene is marred by a fake-o cum shot, but is redeemed by the "My God, what have I done?" acting of PT.

I always liked PT as an actor and feel those strengths do complement him as a director. However, as a stud, PT was always a little lacking to me, and this too, translates into his movies. All plot, no heat.

That sentiment sums up the first part of Taboo, American Style.

It's been almost 10 years since I watched it, and I didn't hit FF once. The acting is kinda silly, though it was great seeing people actually sorta playing their ages. PT's mid 30s to Gloria Leonard's mid 30s contrasted rather nicely with Taija, Raven and Tom all of whom had to be about 18.

When it was done, I looked at my wife who looked at me. "I have ONE WORD" she says. Not a great sign. "Yeah" I ask. "F-E-H, Feh." she says.

As a sex movie it didn't do it for her and as a straight movie it came down on the side of campy... it's a tough call to make, because such an effort seemed to have been made, you hate to dis it, but I would recommend it for a rent but bring along insurance. On the Imperial scale, a 2.25

However, the night was not lost. I had a ringer. The Devil In Miss Jones II. THIS MOVIE IS AN ALL-TIME CLASSIC. All directors should watch this movie like Welles watched Stagecoach before attempting to direct a movie.

The flick starts out with Miss Jones (Georgina Spelvin) hitching a ride on Cyrano's phallic nose. Sex is not forbidden in hell, but orgasm is. Of course, Miss Jones is on the brink, and the bells and buzzers start going off.

Hell's minions, large penis helmeted guards come running and carry Miss Jones off to see the devil himself, Jack Wrangler.

Jack is awesome. He's a golden boy all the way, but man, he can act. So can R Bolla as his advocate. (Get it, the Devil's Advocate?)

There is a tremendous amount of banter in this movie, all of it fast all of it funny. I was laughing quite a lot during the flick, as was the Mrs. Couples films of today should use this as a pattern.

Miss Jones makes the Devil cum (a flaming special effect that should make Pachard proud) and in return, she gets to go back to earth for an eternity of lust. The rest of the film is spent between earth and Hell as the Devil tries to keep tabs on Miss Jones, as he is falling in love with her.

Much is made of King Edward who abdicated the throne of England, and parallels are make between he and Lucifer.

Ron Jeremy (in a brief autofellating role), Sharon Mitchell and others have small roles throughout the film playing hell's denizens. R Bolla stumbles upon Ron fucking some young lass, he stops as if caught, and says "Don't worry, boss, I won't cum..."

Meanwhile, back on earth, Justine is thrown into the body of high priced call girl Jacqueline Lorains. YUMMY! This gal has it all over any of our bimbos today. I would take her over Janine, Racquel, Tori any of them. WOW! Nice natural breasts, and a knockout performance.

Highlight of her scenes is a great scene between her and a meek john, Bobby Astyr. Playing an older version of the nerd perfected by Eddie Deezen (think Eugene in Grease, the geek friend in War Games, or the Bill Hickey's son in Mob Boss) he is kinda embarrassed by his fetish.

"Spanking?" she asks. "No, Miss Insertherlastnamehere." "Watersports?" "Oh no, Miss IHLNH" "Dress up?" He smiles. "You promise you won't laugh?"

"I'm a professional. Just give my 500 bucks and tell me your fantasy"

"500 bucks!" shouts the Devil, remembering that back in 1982, 500 bucks actually was a chunk of change.

Bobby Astyr comes out of the bathroom in his costume. He is dressed as the devil and has a Satan head french tickler on his cock. She is laughing hysterically, he is self-conscious, and the Devil is irked. A brilliant scene, worth the rental price alone.

The rest of the film has justine being popped from body to body, Private Benjamin (Joanna Storm - YUM!) (look for Pachard as her drill sergeant), tupperware saleslady, nun and finally back to call girl. All the while, she is watched by the smitten Jack Wrangler who is missing her more and more.

The movie ends with a great little scene between Joey Silvera and Jacqueline Lorains. All he wants is for her to say she loves him when he cums. It is an obsession of his, and she can't quite bring herself to do it. She finally does, put then gets the feeling she's being watched. She's spooked and yells "Cyrano is that you?" Cyrano walks in, stoking himself, and then shooting flames as he cums.

"I abdicated" says Jack Wrangler. "I didn't quit or resign, I abdicated." Those lines are delivered with a truth rarely seen in adult films then or now.

On the Imperial scale, this gets a 4.00 It was made before 1984 so it's not so rare, but MAN, run out and get this.

There isn't any crazy stuff in it, not even any anal, if I recall, but it is a movie that both entertains and arouses. By the end the wife and I were.. well, you know... But I can say that whatever it was we were up to, it certainly wasn't attributable to Taboo, American Style.