| Alan Alda | .... | Peter van Aarle | |
| "Another sensitive and knowledgeable performance from Alda" -- Roger Ebert |
| Loretta Swit | .... | Brandy Alexandre |
| "Acerbic. Who'd've thought she still had a performance like this in her?" -- Sassy |
| Tom Cruise | .... | Tim Evanson |
| "Cruise is SO believable as a gay man" -- The Advocate |
| Nicole Kidman | .... | Angie Kantola |
| "Did anyone else find her love scene with Cruise in the peep show a little hard to fathom?" -- San Francisco Chronicle |
| Nicolas Cage | .... | The Director |
| "Dynamic action from Cage early in the movie but then his character inexplicably disappears. Why? Maybe that will be explained in the inevitable sequel `R*A*M*E II: The Flame Wars'" -- New York Times |
| Guy Pearce | .... | Luke Ford |
| "Laughingly miscast as a West Coast jew, Australian Pearce's character grows in strength over the movie to the point where he's actually standing up for himself at the end. Pariah or prophet? You be the judge" -- Cinema Papers |
| Mel Gibson | .... | Brad Williams |
| "He barely says 20 words in the whole film, but when he does you'll take notice" -- Playboy |
| Matthew McConaughey | .... | Mike South |
| "As if McConaughey and his accent weren't already Hollywood's most annoying double act, here he is playing a self-promoting Atlanta blowhard. At least he put on quite a few pounds and cut off the flowing mane for the part, showing he has some pretence to serious acting" -- The Great Speckled Bird |
| Janeane Garofalo | .... | Roger P. Tipe |
| "Garofalo provides several comedy monologue interludes where she ostensibly reviews (with much punning and mixing of metaphor) adult films. But dressed neck to ankle in stars and stripes pajamas we see she is really a symbol of truth, freedom and the American way. The scene where she kisses Uma Thurman (as Kaitlyn Ashley) in the girl/girl aisle is surely the most erotic mainstream scene since Bound hit the screens" -- The Republican |
| Sean Penn | .... | Patrick Riley |
| "Penn, as usual, isn't out to win any friends with this role" -- Washington Post |
| Mark Wahlberg | .... | CKong |
| "Wahlberg and his pathetic 4 inch prosthetic penis have already passed into SFX legend" -- CineFX |
| Denzel Washington | .... | Mike Paul |
| "I can't help feeling this casting was a little tokenistic, after all the original Paul was a white man. I guess we'll have to wait for Spike Lee's upcoming biopic `Michael P' to get the real story on this misunderstood cracker" -- Ebony |
| Joan Chen | .... | Asia Carrera |
| "A solid performance. It's certainly not her fault but the interminable to-and-froing between her and Washington are pure fast-forward material" -- People |
| Pauly Shore | .... | Mark Kernes |
| "The one blow to the credibility of the film is Pauly Shore's depiction of an adult industry mag's journalist. People like this just don't exist" -- AVN (AAAAA rating) |
| Ron Howard | .... | S. Andrew Roberts |
| "Ron finally steps out from behind the editing desk to act again. And what a return to form as the resident technical expert" -- American Cinematographer |
| Jeff Goldblum | .... | Rodney Moore |
| "Goldblum enjoyably more-or-less reprises his performance as the goofy but lovable mathematician from Goorassic Park. His explanation of cum shot dynamics in terms of Chaos Theory is the funniest thing we've heard in years" -- MAD |
| Woody Allen | .... | Sheldon Ranz |
| "You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll wish he would shut the fuck up as he takes offence at every passing comment" -- Village Voice |
| Courtney Love | .... | Nena Cherry |
| "Say it ain't so Courtney. Another drug-addled floozie with bad spelling and worse grammar? Can you say `typecast'?" -- Spin |
| Mo Gaffney | .... | Darklady |
| "Her wry barbs keeps this predominately male enclave from ever taking itself too seriously." -- Cinefan |
| Jack Nicholson | .... | Herbie the Dentist |
| "Yet another milestone depiction of depravity from Nicholson" -- Premiere |
| Gary Oldman | .... | Frans Postma |
| "A mid-movie replacement for the Director character, I'm not sure what purpose he served - no doubt he'll feature in the sequel" -- Time Out |
| Leonardo DiCaprio | .... | Jackie Shark |
| "You'll enjoy watching him drown after reading through the above, but he gets to fuck Kate Winslet in the back of a vintage car so I suspect he doesn't care" -- Forced Exposure |
