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From: nospam@nospam.please (Dick Hertz)
Newsgroups: alt.sex.movies,rec.arts.movies.erotica
Subject: What I hate about porn
Date: Wed, 05 Feb 97 15:27:00

A long time ago, Woody Allen said (approximately),"There are three major things wrong with pornographic movies: they're immoral, they're degrading, and the lighting is terrible!" I can't do anything about the first two, but I'm really getting tired of the crap being put out today, and I want to let the vendors know what I like and what I don't.

For example: Unless I see a babe on the box that I just can't resist, I've rented my last Max Steiner movie. Why? Because the man doesn't know the first thing about making a porno movie.

I mean that literally. While he may know the second through fiftieth thing about making porno, and he somehow gets sexy girls to do incredibly nasty things, he doesn't know the FIRST thing about porno, which is, IN A PORNO MOVIE, THE WOMEN ARE SUPPOSED TO BE NAKED! You want to tease for a while, fine. You want to do some warm-up action while they still have some clothes on, OK. But when you get down to the serious stuff, LOSE THE CLOTHES. I just rented one (I think it was The Harder They Fall 5) with three scenes---the first two girls were really beautiful, like Private girls, and the third was Asian, and I love Asians. But even though the first and third appeared to have very nice natural boobs, I only got a glimpse of them because neither of the women removed a stitch of clothing throughout their entire scenes!

The only possible justification for leaving the clothes on is if it's essential to the plot, and the only possible justification for a plot in porno is if it's a couples movie, and somehow I don't see Max as a producer of couples movies. (Although this tape did have an (unintentionally) hilarious attempt at a plot, with Max fighting a ridiculously obvious fake snake!)

Other things that I hate in porno today:

1. Fake boobs

Producers, think about this for a minute. If you rent a tape called "Swedish Stewardesses", and the box guarantees an all-blond cast, but when you play it all the girls have obviously bleached hair, black roots, black eyebrows, black pubic hair, you aren't happy, right? If you rent a movie called "Teenage Schoolgirls" and the box guarantees an all teen-age cast, but when you play it all you see are older women with obvious face lifts and girdles, you aren't happy, right? So if you produce a tape called "Big Boob Bonanza" and all the women have obvious implants, what in the world makes you think we'll like it? I yield to no one in my admiration for big NATURAL boobs, but I'd much rather see a small-boobed girl in a hot scene than someone with gross scars, and boobs that look like grapefruits jutting straight up, stretching her skin so you can see the ribs coming off her sternum. Yuk!!

2. Bad Shave jobs

No, I don't especially like girls with body hair like Ed Asner. But I would much rather see pubic hair than a bunch of stubble, lumps, bumps, pimples, rashes, chancres, buboes, and other unsavory blemishes. I have been conditioned by 2 million years of evolution to find a nice triangular patch of pubic hair sexy, and a girl in panties is infinitely more sexy if you can see a hint of her pubes through the fabric. What I really hate is when I see Oriental girls (I love Asians) with shaved pussies, because nature has given them (well, many of them) the perfect pussy hair --- a sparse covering on the mound, very little on the lips. Just beautiful.

3. Stupid producer/directors

Read: Ed Powers. Someone sent this group a review of one of his movies where they chose, rather than bothering to describe the action, to just give him some very basic tips on how to not screw up a video, and they were right on target. Things like turn off the phone before you start shooting, set up the sound and lights before you start shooting, etc. I said above that Max didn't know the first thing about porno, well Ed doesn't know the first thing about photography. I've taken about three pictures in my life, but even I know YOU DON'T SHOOT WITH A BRIGHT LIGHT BEHIND THE SUBJECT! Evidently this bit of physics is beyond Ed, and occasionally Buttman, because they have had some otherwise good scenes ruined by putting a brightly sunlit window behind the action. But Ed is by far the worst...I can't believe anybody could be so cheap that he won't pay some guy minimum wage (hell, lots of guys would pay HIM) to hold the camera, instead of using a tripod. The last Ed Powers movie I rented (literally the last) had a beautiful Asian girl (I love Asians). She was apparently being cornholed by Ed while he repeatedly transferred his fingers from her pussy to her mouth. I say "apparently" because the camera was on a tripod, her face was in the middle of the frame, some furniture was in the right side of the frame, and HER PUSSY AND ASS WERE OFF-CAMERA ON THE LEFT!! YOU CHEAP BASTARD!!

Another thing I hate about Ed is he'll manage to do a decent cum-in-the-mouth shot, and then immediately demand that the girl spit it out. Christ, man, get your head out of your ass! We saw it go in her mouth, we don't need any further proof, we want to see her swallow it! The only thing I can figure is he does it for his still pictures, which is another annoyance to me---I don't want to see flashes and hear cameras snapping when I'm watching a video. You want to sell to magazines, do it on your own time, I paid to see a video! YOU CHEAP BASTARD!!

Other technical incompetence that permeates the industry:

  • using a cheap camera so the color is weird and the focus is off

  • zooming in so close that you can't see a thing (I recall a scene where a gorgeous girl was blowing a guy, the focus was sharp, the framing was perfect...and just when she opened wide to take his load, the moron on the camera zoomed in, completely losing the focus, and finally (3-4 seconds later) getting the focus back so we could see a giant closeup of her nose!

  • having the sound so screwed up that the director's instructions are clearly audible and the woman's moans aren't

  • using cheap tape (another reason I won't rent Max anymore ... maybe it's just bad luck, but his tapes always seem to have a lot of dropouts, and I find my VCR heads need cleaning soon after playing one of his tapes

4. Lockjawed facials

Call me crazy, but I always thought the idea of a facial was to get some cum in the mouth. If an actress doesn't want to do that, fine, but she better have an awful lot going for her otherwise. But when she says, "Ooh, come in my face, I want to taste it!" and then keeps her mouth clamped tightly shut when he does, she makes my shit list.

5. Extra women for no particular reason

I realize there are different tastes in the world, and not everybody likes the same things I like in a woman. However, when the name of the tape is "Buttman's Extremely Big Tit Adventure", I think it's reasonable to assume that people who rent it want to see women with big tits. Now I think John does a pretty good job with the camera (ignoring a few bright windows in the background), and has apparently managed to find the last few women in the world with NATURAL big tits, but then he always seems to feel that one-on-one isn't good enough, so he'll throw in another girl or two with very average looks and spend half the scene on them.

Rodney Moore did the same thing in one of his CDLF I recently rented - the only reason I got the tape (I generally like Rodney's action, but too many of his girls look anorexic) was because of a woman with huge natural breasts on the box, and her scene was ruined because he spent two thirds of the time with another girl or running around his house. Guys, listen! If a woman has huge natural knockers, one on one (or many on one) is just fine! You'll save money, we'll be happier, everybody wins!

Ahhh, I feel better now.

Dick Hertz
(I studied masturbation at the Sorbonne)


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