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From: you@somehost.somedomain (El Guapo)
Subject: Bigdog's Guide to Adult Movie Selection
Date: 13 Jan 1997 01:31:26 GMT

My contribution to the world of Free Speech:

HOW TO GET THE KIND OF FILTHY PORNOGRAPHY YOU DESERVE!!

In these days of recession and tight economy, one of the worst things that can happen to you is to pay $59.95 for a porno movie named "anal oriental babes who will do anything for construction workers" that turns out to be made in someone's apartment, has no construction workers, and has actresses who are not only NOT oriental, but are older than your grandmother (unless you have a fetish for that sort of thing- in which case this is good). The most important challenge facing us in the 90's is this: how can you tell by looking at the box which porno movies are worthy of your hard-earned dollars?

One method would be reading reviews of the movies on the internet, but you have to hope that the movie reviewers' perversions are similar to your own. The good news is: there is an answer, and it can be found right here. The best way to increase your chances of scoring good pornography is to read this article. My tips on the following subjects will help you decide what kinds of filthy perversions appeal your specific filthy, perverted needs, and help you get the kind of filthy pornography that you deserve.

The Actresses: As a general rule, if the actresses have more fingers than teeth, you are not receiving the highest quality the industry has to offer. You will find that headliner actresses have one of two characteristics: they will either be incredibly gorgeous, or be extremely enthusiastic. For some, a hot, perfectly shaped girl who is filing her nails or counting sheep (her lips will be moving) during sex is a turnoff. You might want to look for a combination of both, or just forget looks and go for sexual excitement. Here;s the tip: decide in advance what type of specialist you are looking for. Do you want a woman who screams during anal intercourse, a woman with D-cups, or a black woman who likes to use strap-ons? This way, when you get to the video store, you can make a rapdi decision based upon solid advance planning.

Sound: When a starlet says, "fuck me baby! slam that gigantic, mammoth, humongous, monster ramrod up me!", you should be able to clearly identify each word as if the girl was whispering these sweet words into your own ears. In some videos, you will hear annoying music instead of the proper "OHHH! OHHH! OOOOHH! FUCK ME!!!! YESSSSSS!!!". Other videos will have no sound at all. Sometimes, you will hear wonderfully perverse phrases but the actress has a dick in her mouth, so you can't really be sure who was speaking. If you are a viewer who likes to hear some good, clean, disgusting language during sex, than you want to look for tapes with actual actresses, screaming actual obscenities, during actual sex. Some tapes have them, some don't.

Choosing the Right Fetish: Welcome to the 90's, the age of specialization! Porno tapes these days have been neatly segmented in thousands of types. Choosing the right one for you is just a matter of being patient enough to find it. If your fetish is toe-sucking beastiality, don't settle for an interracial necrophilia tape! Search the store until you find the tape that meets your specific needs.

Length of Tape: In many stores, you can now buy tapes which seem like incredible deals, such as "890 cum drenched, ball-busting minutes for only $2.95!". If you actually get 890 minutes, stick with this company. If you find that the tape was only 30 minutes and your balls fail to bust, you may want to consider a new vendor. A lot of times, you will see a title like "Babes Who Screw Three-Toed Sloths- Part II" - 90 minutes. The tape says ninety minutes, but it will actually have thirty-six minutes of scenes from "Babes Who Screw Three-Toed Sloths- Part I", twenty-four minutes of advertisements for Phone sex lines where the girl blows you a kiss and says "We're Waiting...", thirty minutes of scenes from "Babes Who Screw Three-Toed Sloths- Part III", and ten minutes of new footage (one two-minute segment repeated five times). If this happens to you and you don't like it, try to remember the name of the company and choose someone else next time.

Quality of Tapes: Some distributors are able to sell you tapes at a great price because they get incredible prices from the blank video tape manufacturer. Unfortunately, they get this deal many times because the tapes were accidentally exposed to nuclear radiation, made out of cancer-causing asbestos, or they have a life expectancy of three uses. If your tapes seem to be wearing out rather quickly, you may be getting what you pay for. It may be a good idea to bring a geiger-counter to the store with you. Any tape that appears to have excessive radiation (that is- above the normal level in your neighborhood) is probably one you should not touch without protective anti-radiation gear.

Plot: Some of you are probably saying, "Plot! Plot! What does plot have to do with a porno movie?". If this is you, than watch out for companies which try to sneak a plot in on you. During CES I asked one owner of a well known film company how they come up with their plots and he told me, "We don't. We pick the actresses, and then ask them what are their fantasies. " That company produces films in which you know the actresses will be turned on without boring its viewers with senseless plots. Before you buy a movie with a plot, you should consider whether or not the plot will meet your erotic needs. For instance, a movie about space detectives who have sex, called "space rump rangers" may not be as erotic to you as a toe-sucking bestiality tape with a cast of only Wanda Bubbles and Ace- the wonder donkey, and no plot. Think carefully about what turns you on before making a decision based on plot.

Acting: If you are looking for a performance from Christy Canyon which makes the Motion Picture Academy stand back and say, "This young actress is outstanding. Her dramatic speech near the end brought tears to my eyes.", then don't buy a porno tape. However, if you are looking for wild, uninhibited sex on camera, you've come to the right place. The best "actresses" are the ones who don't act- they just let go and forget they are on camera. When choosing a tape by actress, look for the ones which know how NOT to act.

The Pictures on the Box Cover: I took an extensive survey of movies, dealers, producers, starlets (a fun task), and fans on this subject. After feeding the results into a massively-parallel processing computer system, sorting them, and processing them through complex scientific formulas to test statistical validity, I can confidently conclude that the pictures on the box cover mean pretty much nothing. Some of the best movies have very unerotic covers, and some covers that make you bust your nuts right in the store can contain completely boring movies. The only thing you can tell is this: if the box is a solid white color with the title written on it in magic marker, you are probably getting a tape of the store owner and his wife. So, if your local store owner's wife has a large dripping sore on her nose and a mustache, avoid this type of movie.

Rather than tell you which videos to buy, I have now taught you how to choose your own. Like the farmer who has been taught how to grow crops instead of being given food, you are now ready to go out into the world and get what you want out of life. In the future, remember this: it is your God-given inalienable right to buy filthy, sleazy pornography that you will enjoy watching. Don't settle for less! GET THE KIND OF FILTH THAT YOU DESERVE!!

Disclaimer: any similarities between movie titles used in this article and actual movies is purely cooncidental. To my knowledge, there is not really a movie titled "Babes Who Screw Three-Toed Sloths". I apologize to anyone with a fetish for three-toed sloths who may have gotten excited.

Comments are welcome.

 

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