Webmaster note: The author of this piece, Patrick Collins, in *not* to be confused with the pornographer (responsible for the Sodomania series, etc.) of the same name.
From: Patrick Collins <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: Top Six "Glorious in Gloss, Vapid on Video"
Date: 5 Sep 1997 09:45:52 -0400
Organization: University of Virginia
Here is a list I haven't seen before but often thought about: porn
stars who look great in magazines or on boxcovers, but just don't
deliver on film.
- Letha Weapons. Those cheeks! Those breasts! That perfect face! That
voice?!?! The first few times I saw Letha on video she was in cheap
RetchoRama vids where she didn't say anything. The first time I heard
her speak (and attempt to act) was in a Rodney Moore video where she
played Rodney's dream woman. It was so funny I started laughing. I
kept rewinding to listen to that goofy voice to hear if it was real.
I don't know if Letha is really dumb, but if an animator wanted to
cast the voice of a dumb-sounding character, hers would be chosen.
- Wendy Whoppers. Not only are her boobs fake, but so is her ability
to act. In one scene with Cal Jammer and Roscoe Bowltree, Cal says "I
want you to come!" and I was thinking "yeah, right!" Why even bother
to make more obvious her lack of ability to pretend she likes it?
- Crystal Gold. She has the face and body of a top of the line
pornstar but the reason she's in a lot of Leisure Time compilations is
because she looks totally stoned.
- Alex/Alexis/Alexandra/Alexandria Dane (sometimes known as Loni). If
you are a Dirty Debutantes fan, she's got that kind of face and body,
but she does NOT like her job at all. I first saw her as the
"attorney" who comes to investigate Wolf's "injury" in "Cumm Brothers
go to Traffic School". In the post-cumshot-camera-linger that's
Rodney's style, she looks like she can't wait to jump up and collect
the dough and go home. She perpetually has a look on her face that
says "Um...I don't know what's going on, but I'll do it if that's what
- Daphne. Her body is magnificent, and when I saw it covered with cum
on the cover of Cumm Brothers Goin to a Ho Down, I snatched it up
without thinking further. But it's really obvious that she was getting
paid a lot of money to do something she didn't want to do. It's
saddening to see her forced reactions to Rodney's directions and the
flat delivery of her punchlines. I've also seen her in mags, and after
that scene I can't help but interpret that "dreary-eyed look" into a
cry to be saved from her job.
- Angelique. The latest world-famous brasilian pornstar! I got to see
her in Anabolic (?) World Sex Tour in a scene with Marc Davis. I was
so looking forward to this when I first saw it because I had always
thought that she was one of those bigboob models who never did
hardcore. But...she was just kind of there. She looked like she was
holding back from laughing during the scene. She's so hot though that
I'll probably give her another chance if I see another one of her
videos in the shop.