rame.net  :  humor  :   life expectancy

From: "AJB" <ajbilan@home.com>
Subject: Average Life Expectancy of Porn Starlets
Newsgroups: rec.arts.movies.erotica
Date: Tue, 25 Apr 2000 03:40:07 GMT

I bumped into a site at http://northwesternmutual.com/games/longevity/ where you can calculate life expectancy. I input what I estimated to be the answers of typical porn starlets according to prevailing stereotypes. This is what I put in:

Age = 20; Gender = Female

Blood Pressure = High blood pressure & smoke { all those DPs have gotta boost blood pressure }

Height & Weight = 110 pounds, 5 feet, 5 inches { most of the girls are thin but some are chunky and 5'5" seems about right }

Family History = Don't know mine { aren't most porn girls orphans or something? Or at least they've blocked out their memory of Daddy. }

Exercise = Somewhat active { a few of the girls really work out a lot, but most just seem to coast along on youth I think }

Stress = Stress often uses me { no brainer on this... don't you spell stress "S-U-I-T-C-A-S-E P-I-M-P"? }

Driving = Convicted of DWI more than once in past 5 years { Houston has a great driving record. Other pornstars have died in car accidents, haven't they? }

Seatbelt = Don't wear { They're too busy giving head to movie producers to be wearing seatbelts. }

Smoking = less than 1 pack per day { obvious }

Drinking = 3 drinks 3 times a week { think about: these girls go on the strip club tour, we fans liquor 'em up, they pick our wallets, etc. }

Drugs = use illicit { Crystal Meth anyone? }

Diet = average user of saturated fats { I'm sure some of the girls nibble like birds but most of them eat their fill at the porn shoot caterings. }

Having input these not-too-outrageous facts, I got an average porn starlet life expectancy of 51 years. Shocking. Perhaps I should have been more generous about the blood pressure estimate... that would have added several years I'm sure.

Now if only I could come up with a average porn starlet industry shelf life expectancy. Probably most "pro" girls stay in the industry about 9 months. If they sign a Vivid contract, probably that adds 2 years. If they do a scene with TT Boy or Rocco Siffredi that will probably reduce both their industry shelf life and life expectancy due to internal injuries. Doing their own website probably adds 5 lingering, boring years to their "career". Each dodged cum-shot shaves about 2 weeks off of shelf life. Bolt-on tit job reduces popularity among fanatic porn stars but probably increases shelf life by about 4 months for each cup size up. Carefully following the detailed advice of RAMErs probably adds 4 years to shelf life, subtracts 2 years from life expectancy.

AJB


 

Newsgroup problems: e-mail rame-request@linux-shell.net.
Website problems: e-mail webmaster@rame.net

Questions about adult movies should be posted or mailed to the newsgroup rec.arts.movies.erotica. The staff at the above addresses cannot answer your questions; the folks in the newsgroup probably can.