From: "Zoide" <email@example.com>
Subject: How to direct good couples porn
Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2000 23:02:16
To all aspiring porn directors out there interested in tapping into the
couples market, I've compiled some sure-fire tips from the experts in the
field to ensure you make big bucks on your debut effort:
- Have a plot, sure, but have a real twisted one. Make sure to use
non-linear narrative, bizarre situations, lots of supernatural elements, and
make use of editing to cut out essential dialogue and give the movie a sense
of mystery. Us couples get really turned on by stories we can't figure out.
- If you lack a screenplay writer able to fulfill the above requisites, you
may opt for having no plot. However, you must shoot in a mansion and play
soft jazz music through the whole film, to mask annoying sexual noises. Us
couples get really turned on by soft jazzy sounds; moaning, slapping thighs,
and four letter words are rude.
- Make sure the characters in your story only have sex with their
significant others. That's the stuff our couplesy fantasies are made of,
having sex in the missionary position with our spouses in our own bed. We
can't get enough of this in real life, so we love to watch this in the
- Spitting. So erotic. We love spitting. Throw in a little slapping and
miscellaneous misoginy, too. How wicked!
- At least half the scenes should be girl/girl. We all know that all
married women are closet lesbians and get really turned on watching this.
Besides, we know that if they watch it enough, they'll eventually agree to
our ceaseless requests for a threesome with her best friend.
- Foreplay is for wimps. We like our sex scenes to happen out of the blue,
for no reason whatsoever. We don't really want to know anything about the
characters or why they're having sex, we just wanna see 'em do the nasty!
Scenes with a long, sensual, erotic buildup before sex are a waste of our
time and your videotape.
- Close-ups. Can't have enough close-ups. Nothing we like better than
sitting together on a Saturday night with a bottle of wine, and watch a huge
cock banging a huge pussy for five minutes straight. Yes, sir. If you just
happen to have a gynecology exam on Monday, you're in luck, all set! Full
body shots are bad, we don't get to see the veins or hairs in fine detail.
- Cast wisely. The shy, innocent housewife should be portrayed by the
actress with the "Fuck You" tatoo and the pierced clit. We think it's really
cool: "oh, look, the shy, innocent housewife is taking her clothes off for
the mailman; wow, her tatoo says "Fuck You"! bet her husband didn't know
- Fake breasts. They're so good looking, it hurts.
- Ugly men. It really turns our wives on to see fat bald men having sex
with gorgeous women. Besides, it makes us look really good.
From: Michael W <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: Re: How to direct good couples porn
Date: Sat, 30 Sep 2000 16:20:05
On Wed, 06 Sep 2000 23:02:16, "Zoide" <email@example.com> wrote:
>To all aspiring porn directors out there interested in tapping into the
>couples market, I've compiled some sure-fire tips from the experts in the
>field to ensure you make big bucks on your debut effort:
Excellent! But you left out a few:
- When the guy eats the girl, never let her cum. This reinforces the
porn-truth that (a) only a dick can make a girl cum, and (b) no girl
can have more than one orgasm.
- For sheer believability, shoot your indoor scenes in rooms full of
furniture suitable for sex - but make sure none of the furniture gets
used. Instead, shoot realistic depictions of the girl with one foot
hooked around a doorknob, the other against the doorjamb, and her head
on the floor. Or have her hanging out the window with her legs lashed
to the bedposts. Realism. That's what we want. Or, go to the kitchen
and stick her head in the oven. Lots of couples do it that way...
- Make sure that all of your films have everything done in exactly
the same order everytime. Suck-dick, lick-pussy, three positions, all
of them rude, impersonal, and contortionistic.
- No kissing allowed. These are, after all, romantic couples films.
- For the "money shot," have the guy pull out of whatever he's in
and have him jerk off, preferably within 45 degrees of arc of the
direction of the woman/girl. You have NO IDEA how thrilling it is for
us guys to watch another male jerk off into thin air. It's such a
refreshing change from the spinal-wrenching orgasms WE get cumming
INSIDE the mouth/pussy. After all, what better use for a girl than to
have her just sit there watching a guy jerk off.
- Make sure the female screams at the top of her lungs from first
penile insertion. Make sure she continues her wild orgasmic throes
long after the male has pulled out and is jerking off three feet away.
- Make sure any trace of freshness about the female is thoroughly
obliterated by heavy makeup, fake tits, trashy hair, and harlot
lingerie. Yeah, buddy. The true gal-next-door. Really gets us going.
- For sheer couples romantic enjoyment, be certain to include a
little of the following:
Guy and gal mindlessly rutting in the cab of a bulldozer -
35-ish gal pretending to be the daughter of a 35-year-old mother and
father - -
40-year-old college cheerleader -
Slapping dick on gal's tongue
Slapping pussy with hand
All of these are tremendous turn-ons for us dove-eyed couples.
- Heavy-metal and crash-grunge music really compliment a nice,
touchingly erotic scene. Makes us romantics all mushy...
- Nothing makes a tender-hearted couple get tingly and wet faster
than the sight of eight guys degrading a blonde in a public restroom.
Violence. Yeah, that's what we want. "Natural Born Porn."