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Tyffany Million's Guide to Meeting Exotic Dancers
by Theresa Reed (oh yeah, and Tyffany Million)

I have been associated with enough writing collaborations over the years to know that even a 50/50 collaboration means that one person does 90% of the work, while the other gets 90% of the credit. This book has all the earmarks. The bulk of the work comes from Theresa Reed (aka Darklady@spiritone.com) while the title credit goes to Tyffany Million, a porn queen/feature dancer/sexologist/lady wrestler.

Sorry, guys. There are no breakthroughs here. This is basically just another HoTPUD (How to Pick Up Dancers) book, albeit, by far the best written one I have seen. Gemini couldnıt hold Theresa's Funk & Wagnalls.

I have a tough time with these books. Men who want to learn how to pick up dancers wonıt be any better at it after they read a book. Most of these books offer the same dating advice that Dear Abbie provided 40 years ago. Relax and be yourself, young man. The guy is being himself, and it doesnıt work. He wants a book on how to BE SOMEONE ELSE...that guy over there who apparently can pick up girls, for example....but the books donıt tell him how to do that. No book could.

This book begins with a couple chapters introducing Theresa and Tyffany, and a brief discussion called "So Who Are These Dancers Anyway?" Nothing new here for anyone who has been to a couple strip clubs or read ASSC, but Theresaıs easy style and humor make it fun.

She follows with chapters such as:

"Do You Know What You Are Looking For?" wherein you are asked to define your motives (love, friendship, lust, etc), and

"Say Hi To The Nice Naked Lady," where you work on your initial contact. (If youıre interested in befriending her, let her know.).

and the obligatory:
"Whatıs Your Line?" which includes a ranking of pickup lines from "Generally Safe Introduction Lines" to "Lines That May Cost You Your Dating Life." All the classic lines are there, including the sinister, "Remember my name because youıll be screaming it all night."

Subsequent chapters, again made bearable by Theresaıs light writing style, cover the friendship-dating phase and the sex phase that are sure to follow once the guy has figured out how to relax and be someone else. Nothing new that hasnıt been in dating advice books forever...except the condom/dental dam advice which is relatively new.

Then it gets weird.

The chapter on Swingers and Hot Bi-Babes turns into a pedantic glossary of pseudo-scientific terms such as Sexualove, polyamory, lovestyle, etc. The book claims that Tyffany Million is a certified Sexologist from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality (a real institute with grad and certificate programs in human sexuality). I suspect Tyffany faxıed these to Theresa from an IASHS certificate course handout. That and a couple war stories appear to round out Tyffanyıs involvement in the book.

And to round out research materials for your inevitable conquest, the book includes a list of Porn Star Internet Sites, and a large list of Port Star Fan Clubs. The best fan club is left for last...a full page pitch to join Tyffany Millionıs Fan Club. This will certainly increase your chances to meet at least one exotic dancer. For your $35 membership fee, you get discounts on Tyffanyıs used porn video props, and a personal phone call from Tyffany herself. A great chance to try out one of the bookıs pick up lines...hmmm, should I use spit-or-swallow or the feedbag line?

Amazingly, I wish I could recommend this book, because I like Theresaıs writing style and sense of humor. I bet there is a much more interesting book about the sex industry floating around in her head. I bet she could be more discriminating when selecting her next publisher. I bet she doesnıt need to collaborate with a porn queen or anyone else for that matter. I bet I wonıt be screaming her name, but I will be looking for it on future projects.

If you haven't had enough after this book, contact BC Marketing for more fine titles:

  • How to Pick Up Women in Their 90ıs
  • Penis Enlargement
  • The Guide to Getting it On! (How to install that horse dick you built from common kitchen utensils with the previous book)
RJ

 

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